Setting Ourselves Free

      
The wisdom in the stories of people with near death experiences often speaks of seeing their lives reviewed.  They realize what they’ve done well and what they need to change.  Many of them live long enough to make it happen.  Likewise, we hear of leaders and teams reviewing their efforts, taking the “lessons learned” from the past and making productive changes—thus, staying in business, remaining essential, or in some cases alive.  Hearing this, why wouldn’t we want to do the same with our personal lives?  And where would we start?

A good place to begin is “letting go of regret.”  Commencing this review, processing it from as early as we can remember and ending it where we are now significantly lightens our load of negative baggage.  Quite a large number of health professionals speak and publish on this subject; however, some of us may wonder how profoundly they’ve done this work for themselves.  Beyond theory, how aware are they of the intimate details of the tasks to be carried out from a first-hand perspective?  The road of letting go of regret, perhaps, may not be as frequently traveled as some may think; otherwise, why would they repeatedly confront the same troubling issues they thought they’d let go of long ago?  The truth is, it’s the well traveled road that picks up the wisdom along the way that essentially completes this important task. 

Looking into the seeing heart, we find that letting go of regret inevitably includes “forgiving ourselves.”  No, it isn’t just unshackling ourselves, picking ourselves up, and dusting ourselves off.  Disturbing characteristics like denial, pain, blame, and pride come up too.  Compassion is also part of the process, for as we feel the softening of our hearts and the release of suffering, we momentarily move into what some would call light, and we might experience something so much more than what we are.  It humbles us and sets us free to begin again, especially as we understood that some regrets are difficult, even shameful, and require working on over and over until they soften and fade away.

Just the idea of setting ourselves free from regret includes some real contemplation on what’s involved.  For example, what we call moral courage—the will to take on all the negativities that we’ve experienced in life, been responsible for, and developed as far back as childhood.  The list may include such things as bullying, stealing, lying, hurting others, killing and more. Each issue requires a good level of concentration, along with the perseverance and dedication to carry it out.  We start with the easy and work towards the difficult, building our power and confidence as we move along this path toward freedom.  Likewise, knowing how to detoxify ourselves from working with a lot of negativity before we begin again keeps us on track.  Ultimately, the wisdom that comes from opening every door in the process, including some that are unexpected, permits us to do a real housecleaning.  We learn that it’s best not to leave anything behind, for it might invisibly block our path later on.

In conclusion, looking at the past and letting go of regret is a major milestone in recovering our lives and allowing productive changes that help us and others.  Not to be considered lightly, it reduces our load of negativity and that of the people and creatures around us.  Once we begin, it becomes easier to do “on the spot” while we go about daily life.  We just make the decision to set ourselves free and give ourselves the will to carry it out.  

THE PATH OF FREEDOM

The path of freedom is multifaceted and some parts of it are difficult and seemingly never end, especially the process of letting go of what hinders us from being free.  Many of us who are walking this trail of liberation have also experienced it not to be a course of escapism but one of letting be, not holding on.  It consists of the obvious and the subtle:  (a) the people, animals, ideas, and things we know we consciously love, like, dislike, and hate; and (b) the people, animals, ideas, and things we subconsciously love, like, dislike, and hate.  Perhaps, it’s the subtle that’s the most complicated because until we discover the attachment, we don’t know it’s there at all.  For example, we can be stressed but not know why.  Letting go of the obvious and the subtle is a two-way process:   on purpose and as things come up.  

According to my good friend Hellen Newland who is a Dharma teacher:  we see the object of our attention and experience its sensation in our body;  and as we focus, we open our heart to it, accepting and letting it go into the space of warm and brilliant, sad yet vulnerable heart seeing.  Doing so, we learn things we have never realized before.  For example, living here in Mexico, I frequently see paper and plastic items thrown on the streets and roads.  Observing this litter arouses feelings of anger, disappointment, and sadness, but when I work the process of letting the refuse go, feelings of never-before-felt vulnerability arise, thus, helping me to experience a new-found clarity and strength.  Finally, the process allows us to act from the heart, a place of no good and no bad without a set outcome.  In my case, just simply pick up the paper or plastic and put it in a garbage receptacle minus the emotional attachments.

There are several things we can realize from “letting go” on the path of freedom.  First, if we wish to see its truth, then it’s best done holding no opinions for or against anything.  Second, when we let go of others, especially our family and friends, it increases their feelings of freedom and happiness. Third, we come to an empirical understanding that enhances our ability to experience a tranquil, peaceful, and fully aware death largely devoid of attachments as we leave our body.  Finally, we know we’re taking control of our lives while benefiting other living beings every day, growing ever clearer and stronger as a result.   Letting go, letting be,  and no longer holding on to the obvious and the subtle welcomes a true sense of freedom into our lives.

INSIGHTFUL TRUTHS

Looking at this photo I’m reminded of the saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”  What connects the old man and the birds?  Might it not be loving kindness, a state so gentle that it literally becomes one with nature, attracting creatures to come and unite within the umbrella of peace and humility?  Could it also be conveyance of great empathy?  Knowing what it is to be a living thing that must constantly seek out food in order to live, the elderly gentleman comprehends and communes.  He walks in the feet of others.  His compassion is great, and he doesn’t hesitate.  His visitors know his presence is safe and fulfilling.   The lessons shared here require not a cursory glance or two, but deep contemplation.  Looking profoundly through the eyes of real understanding, making the heartfelt connection, we begin to grasp their message of tranquility, unity, and purity.  Coupled with clarity, an appreciation of life arises, showing us that living things, even those that are aggressive and competitive, can live together in groups.  We might even wish the leaders of the world would awaken to these deep and insightful truths.

Getting To The Root Of Turmoil And Violence

When we look really hard at this world right now, especially those of us who have been around for more than 50 years, we find it to be considerably more dangerous than it ever was, riddled with violence from video games to movies to terrorism and children being slaughtered in their classrooms, coupled with personal conduct going down the toilet.  We hear a lot of talk regarding these troubles, especially school massacres, between political and community leaders, colleagues and professionals, families and friends, and students and teachers.  They want to know their root cause.  They also say they want them to stop and that we begin discussing ways to prevent the atrocities that dominate the news. Such desires for solutions inspire me to think of the possibilities that many people experience with the Buddhist practice called Lamrim.

Although this training, according to highly regarded Tibetan teachers, contains quite a number of contemplative exercises, there are three that have particular relevance for the violence and mayhem we are facing in today’s world.  Guided by a competent instructor, most people begin to realize their value within a very short time.  They center on the disadvantages of self cherishing, the advantages of cherishing others, and the exchanging of self for others.  In fact, if their results are used as the basis for discussing the problems we have in our societies, they’re particularly intriguing.  They’re profound.  They mine the depths of everything.  They bring wisdom to the table of negotiation.  It’s worthwhile to examine them in the context of three questions.      

What part does self cherishing play in this troubled world?

When we are enmeshed in self cherishing we can’t see anything but our side (“My pain, My car, My job…”), our wish to satisfy our desires (“I want, I don’t want, I wish you…”), and we are often oblivious to the fact that we may be harming others as well as ourselves (“I didn’t know, I had no idea, It’s not my problem…”). For example:

When we hear a child screaming uncontrollably in the supermarket, we may wish he would shut up to make us feel better.  If he were our child, we might even try and silence him for exactly that purpose.

Having learned that the Taliban treat their women with so much cruelty, we may experience an intense desire to destroy such men so we feel better for having cleaned the world of people like that.

When an alcoholic or drug addict experiences the need for her substance of choice, her desire soon relegates all other priorities to last place, and our misplaced hate may lash out at her to satisfy our urge to punish.

When a teenager is bullied in school, his desire to assuage the pain may turn into murder; we fear he could harm our children, and it’s possible we desire his death.

How would cherishing others lead us out of such dilemmas?

Having observed our side and the other’s, we are able to see more clearly, especially what is harmful as well as recognize the importance, the innocence of the other’s being, and begin to realize and know the way out of the failure to find peace.  For example:

Cherishing the distressed child and not his behavior, we notice that we begin to feel better, perhaps even compassionate.

Cherishing the Taliban and not their cruel behavior, we lose the intensity of our desire to destroy but not to prevent what they do; maybe we even begin to develop a wish to see them gain clarity.

Cherishing the being of the addict, we may discover that her addiction to alcohol or drugs is akin to that of cancer, and our loving kindness begins to lead us toward helping open more rehabilitation centers.

Cherishing the adolescent who murdered to relieve the pain from bullying, we may feel moved to actions that resolve what led to the death of its victims.

How does failing to exchange self with others lead us deeper into failure?

When we don’t step into the shoes of the other, we stay in our thinking and theorizing and lack the understanding of the realization of knowing.  Thus, truly cherishing the other may be impossible as well as any considerate or viable solution.  For example:

When we do not look at ourselves through the eyes of the crying, squealing child, we don’t see we are clutching our pain, trying to close our ears, not understanding what is going on in his mind, or feeling he is important.  Instead, we flee or we punish the infant or ourselves.

When we do not realize what the Taliban men are experiencing, then we don’t understand what is nourishing their ignorance or comprehend our own minds of murderous destruction that carry out such acts.

When we do not feel the inner being of the alcoholic or addict, we won’t see our fear, hate or repulsion of him or her nor understand the addiction as if it were a cancer.  It’s likely we’ll do nothing to help rehabilitate this person or others.

When we cannot trade places with the bullied teenager, then we cannot understand his pain, and we find it almost impossible to cherish his being while disparaging his deadly and suicidal actions.  We probably won’t garner enough effort to find ways to prevent such disasters or offer him the treatment he really needs.

Looking for solutions to violence using the Tibetan Buddhist practice of Lamrim, of course, may not be attractive or make sense to the majority of people in western, middle eastern, or even eastern societies.  It may be years before enough practitioners have made it into the leadership ranks whereby they influence others to listen, practice, and understand its value.  However, the three contemplations of self cherishing, cherishing others, and exchanging self for others deserve to be heard, employed, and understood. They’re not easy, but they’re not difficult once experienced and comprehended, they simplify what we see as complicated, and they open us to wisdom. Anyone who consistently uses these three exercises knows their importance to finding and implementing solutions that stop and preclude world violence.  Since it is quickly known that they offer a way out of difficulty on an individual level, why not apply them for the good of all?  Why should we permit things like thoughts, emotions, and traditions to stop us from liberating ourselves from brutality and bloodshed?  Aren’t we more intelligent than that?

You *#*#*# Blankety Blank!

A lot of people, especially men, explode either silently or out loud when they experience conflicts at work or in personal life with other people.  Although we understand that much of our happiness comes from relationships, we are also confused or ignorant as to why we connect them to so much of the discontent we feel.  For example, when we are motivated by fear, anger, or disappointment, we frequently center on whom we can point the finger at or how to make things right.   We’re probably not aware of the expectations we have (the ones we want others to satisfy) that make us so unhappy.  According to Ezra Bayda, Beyond Happiness, The Zen Way to True Contentment, we can find out what these hopes or beliefs are by asking the simple question, “How is he or she (are they) supposed to be?”  The answers lead us deeply inside of ourselves to what is blocking our happiness.  If we’re patient, the wisdom that arises from such contemplation shows us that the difficulties we have with people are the precise avenue to peace and contentment, in that they drive us more profoundly into life, to work with what causes us so much grief.  Personally, I wish I’d known how to do this long ago; however, I also understand that it’s never too late to begin, is it?

Taking The High Road: The Path Of Gratitude

Most of us like to hear the words “thank you”, especially when we’ve done something nice for others, and we also give them out quite frequently to family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, clients, bosses, colleagues, and employees when they’ve done something for us.  But we hardly ever think of expressing gratitude to others as a wellness practice—it’s more of a custom or ritual.  Perhaps, many any of us are not truly aware of its real and profound value in both attitude and words.   For example, while “the path of gratitude” usually reminds us of saying “thanks” for all the good things in our lives, how would we benefit from this approach if we expressed thankfulness for both the good and the bad?  Would it be a high road to somewhere or nowhere?

      

Treading the path of gratitude involves not only the good and the bad experiences of life, but also the past, the present, and the future.  As the old saying goes, “leave no stone unturned.”  After all, value can come from anywhere at any time.  We’re more likely, however, to start with the past because it’s where the dreadful skeletons exist in the form of painful memories or phobic sensations as well as the highlights of our lives.  All the while, though, we may be overlooking the dragons and positive aspects of the present that deserve our gratitude as well.  Moreover, things that will most certainly occur in the phenomenal world of our future also merit our attention—for example, death.

      

Of course, as we go about using gratitude to mine the depths of our past experiences, we might be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised about what it uncovers and how it makes us work.  Delighted to say “thank you” to the good memories, we could discover numerous things within them which border on the sad or otherwise upsetting.  For example, receiving awards for deeds well done while we notice that others were either left out, put out, or absent from the ceremony celebrating us—however, this is our opportunity to express gratitude to them as well.  Just saying “thanks” to them may cause us to empathize and experience their hardship in seeing us rewarded, to even uncover the unapparent.  For example, as Aung San Suu Kyl, Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, so rightly states, “It is from hardship rather than ease that we gather wisdom.”   Thus, this revelation might help us to be more inclusive when we receive accolades in the future.

      

On the other hand, expressing gratitude to the bad memories, at first, could dredge up more than we’ve bargained on, and that’s why we should take our time going into this part of the practice, starting with the general and not so painful before taking on the specific and especially horrible experiences of the past.  We’ll find there are real payoffs in facing these adversities again.   Just as Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart, says, “In our hardships, we discover the courage not to succumb, not to retreat, not to strike out in fear and anger.  And by resting in a non-contentious heart we become a lamp, a medicine, a strong presence; we become the healing . . .” And that’s what this work is really about.  Therefore, when working with really difficult or tragic recollections, initially it’s not necessary to look at them directly but just approach the sensations associated with them with an attitude of gratitude and curiosity.  This is a desensitizing process.  It may be necessary to engage and disengage numerous times before it’s possible to look at what we recall straight on and say “thank you.”  Wisdom and/or a reciprocal feeling of gratitude, in my experience, frequently arise as a result of right effort. 

      

For example, just this morning, I was recalling and saying “thank you” to a really difficult person for whom I had worked in the military.  At the beginning of this experience, I found all the feelings of the past were coming back (hate, anger, fear, and the desire to strike out).  However, as I continued to repeat “thank you,” I also noticed the sensation of grasping for my personal being, an attempt to protect myself.  Almost immediately, I realized there was no self to grasp or be protected.  How liberating it was to observe such a release from suffering, see the trauma my ex-boss was undergoing in trying to protect his own being, realize that neither one of us were independent of the other, and know that none of this hardship had been necessary.  It was as if the veil had been pulled back, causing an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and compassion for the other person.

      

Consequently, we learn that returning to the past and expressing “thank you” is essential in resolving difficult situations.  Here are a few that I offer as examples:

-the slap on the child’s face that allows the adult child to see the emotional pain of his father and feel compassion for him

-the cold and wretched fear of the dark in the stomach of a three-year-old, in an old farmhouse in the middle of the night, which permits him to find peace with his shadow side as an adult

-the experience of touching the bottom of a drinking problem that allowed a person to leave the path toward alcoholism and continue to realize prolonged sobriety

-the divorce that inspired a person to improve his or her ability and willingness to function in healthy relationships

-a mother’s threats to send her child to the reform school to deal with teenage rebellion, which resulted in “showing her” he could become a law abiding citizen

      

Coming back to the present, perhaps we realize more than ever the value of expressing gratitude now rather than waiting for years to do something so important. It’s not only essential to do in person but can also to be practiced effectively when we’re alone in what is called vertical time; that is, we recall the person and/or the event as we’re sitting, backs straight, and focused in the present.  Beginning with the good things in life, we say “thank you” knowing that such a feeling of gratitude will expand and carry over to help the people around us feel better too.  Subsequently, we take the things and people that are bothering us and start “thanking them” as well.  Not only will we feel better but we’ll also know, according to Carlos Casteñeda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge, when to depart from the tyrants in our life.  As we convert our negative feelings into gratitude for the difficulties in our current reality, we may very well restore loving relationships, keep our jobs or get better ones, eliminate fights with teenage children, and find inner peace.  This kind of practice is endless in its rewards.

      

Finally, expressing gratitude for the future by bringing it into the present includes contemplating what will definitely come true—the loss of life, the loss of possessions, the loss of being able to achieve everything we want, and the loss of loved ones and dear friends.  Initially, there may be a lot of sadness in this part of the practice—kind of like saying goodbye to experiences before you ever have them—it’s a real letting go.  From a practical standpoint, it may simplify your life, help you to appreciate those close to you much more than you do now, and assist you to become more introspective.  Quality time will enjoy a much higher priority.  Discarding what you truly don’t need will become more commonplace.  The preciousness of people, just as an old friend of mine, Jean, used to say, will become such a reality that you’ll treat them with an enhanced level of loving friendliness and kindness.

      

I would surmise that by now, especially if you’ve already started practicing, the path of gratitude will have become a high road to a better place in life.  Finding out that saying “thanks” to people and events of the past, present, and future does begin to uncover the stones; however, the truth is they’re almost endless.   Discovering the wisdom and joy in this exercise, we also develop the valor not to give up, not to flee, and not to lash out in alarm and rage, for we know gratitude is forthcoming.  Thank you!

Peace or Insanity?

      Almost anyone looking at what is reported in the news, I believe, would find much of it to be negative.  After the barrage of political campaigns in the United States, the crises and wars going on in the Middle East, the tens of thousands of children starving and dying in Africa, the widespread economical recessions, drug and human trafficking, and much more, I think many of our world’s citizens wonder if we’ll ever regain our sanity let alone a sense of peace.  The universal principle of “what you focus on tends to expand” appears to be forced toward the negative by the world’s political, religious, and business leaders, most of whom are male.  Retaining or returning to our senses while affected by world matters, begs the question, “What do we focus on:  the positive, the negative, or the reality?

      Of course, concentrating on the positive aspects of life in daily living is skillful and beneficial. If we’re working on something difficult, keeping an upbeat result in mind gives us the extra energy we need to keep going.  If we’re contemplating on creating a peaceful solution that involves people, optimism lets us see more deeply into the situation, opens the door of compassion, and draws others to us.  Moreover, it awakens the basic goodness in us and inspires the cooperation of the people we work for, our colleagues and employees, as well as our friends and family.  Awakening with a positive frame of mind in the morning, our day has the potential to be joyful.  If we find that we need an extra push to get going, then just as Norman Cousins has said, “Laughter is a powerful way to tap positive emotions”.  Just smiling at the dance in daily living changes one's emotions to the affirmative almost immediately.  If one practices awakening with a smile, it may just change their life and their world that day.  And one final note on the positive is that it presents the possibility of a clear state of mind that avoids ignoring what is harmful.

      On the other hand, it’s no secret that directing our energy from a negative viewpoint in daily affairs is unskillful and destructive.  Negativity unerringly picks a fight with whom or whatever is near, it destroys morale, and it polarizes working groups.  Just look at the congress of the United States.  Whatever rapport has been established in a team can easily be obliterated by cynical and pessimistic attitudes, breaking its will to be the best it can be.  If there was a flow of initiative, it soon diminishes.  For example, I once worked for a military commander who sucked the exceptional ability and will to work out of his subordinates.  Everyone wanted to leave his employ but couldn’t.  It was truly difficult to work there.  The commander exemplified the statement by Lewis F. Korns, Thoughts, “One always looking for flaws leaves too little time for construction.”  Truly, a negative state of mind not only harms others, it ignores the positive to the detriment of our inner being.

      Other than focusing on the positive or the negative, we can choose to observe the reality in our everyday lives which is not only skillful and valuable but also all inclusive.  Making such a choice involves looking at our thoughts and emotions as well as what’s going on around us in the here and now.  According to Siddhartha Gautama, we can best use our minds not only for knowledge and remembrance but also to monitor what’s going on in the present without grasping to anything; thus, we don’t lose ourselves in the positive, the negative or the neutral, we stay alert and equanimous, two very powerful states of mind and exactly what we need to tend to daily affairs at all levels of society. 

      Moreover, being based in the reality of the here and now while cognizant of the past and future has a number of positive outcomes.  Its quality of equanimity strengthens with practice.  We find ourselves more capable of forging the depths of our inner resources, seeing deeply into complicated issues while showing wisdom and good common sense in our decision-making.  More often than not we begin to take leadership roles, maintain our balance while looking at the negative, and employ people with both positive and negative views as a valuable resource in following our objectives to a positive outcome.  And we find our ability to be patient with ourselves and others continuing to increase.

      Examining the question of our focus not only permits a strong look at ourselves but also gives us a way to objectively scrutinize our world and its leaders.  When we know the pros and cons of the ways of concentrating, making a decision on how we focus our energy lets us see the intended results from the basis of non-harming.  Through this kind of work, we often see the inner behavioral patterns that sway us toward what we tend to focus on most in life—noticing that we frequently pick these directions unconsciously and reactively, and end up feeling as though our control has been ripped out of our hands.  We feel groundless and often confused.   According to Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart, if we practice mindfulness, we will learn generosity, compassion, and liberation from what hinders us in life.  In conclusion, which way of focusing our minds do we and our leaders choose to guide our actions and decisions toward interior and exterior peace:  the positive, the negative, or the reality?  The answer is obvious, is it not?