A DESIRE FOR SPACE

      
      “I want some space.”  “Give me some space, PLEASE!?”  Such words are common in today’s demanding world, aren’t they?   They represent an unfulfilled desire for which we cry from deep within ourselves, even those who are retired from day-to-day stressful life. They come from a feeling of loss of control over our lives, or for one that we’ve never had.  We wonder how it would be to have the space and clarity that we wish for, a peace of mind, and we want it.

     
       If we’ve investigated ourselves and done it well, we know the location for the cause of our unrest.  We’ve gone past what we’ve perceived as the primary reason(s) for this feeling, such as pressure at work, everybody wanting something if you’re a mom, haunting thoughts from the past, worries about the future, or problematic relationships with significant others.  We’ve learned that what exacerbates the need for space, with some exceptions, is not the real problem—it’s something much deeper.  However, we most likely don’t know what it is, except that it’s “in here” some place.  Wisdom has shown us that it’s not “out there”, for if it were an exterior issue it wouldn’t be an ongoing problem inside.  We’d make a wise decision, take an appropriate action, and that would be the end of it.

      
      But for those of us who haven’t experienced this “gift of space”, we imagine its rewards and desire it all the more.  We might even consider that the thoughts and emotions from the past would no longer upset us.  Thoughts and emotions based on issues in the future would no longer have a hold on us either.  We would find that we might spend more time in the spacious and clear present, sometimes being subtly swept into the past or future, but returning to the present having realized where we’d gone.

      
      Now, the question is:  “What’s a simple, common sense approach for experiencing the space that comes from being in the present?”

      
      Here are some easy steps to follow:

a.       We need to understand that being in the present requires some skill that is not developed in a moment.  Just as the company that makes the Mercedes Benz has said, “If you want something good, you have to be willing to wait for it.”  In this case, you have to be patient enough to develop what you need and accept the bumps along the way.

b.      Set aside a few minutes in a quiet, uninterrupted space, where you can work productively with yourself.  It’s kind of like a carpenter who has designated a place in the garage to work and contemplate on what’s coming out of his or her efforts. 

c.       Sit on a comfortable chair but not one that will put you to sleep.  Make sure your back is straight and your hands are in your lap.  TVs and cell phones cannot be in the same space nor where you can hear them in the distance.

d.      Focus on your breathing—either that flowing in and out of your nostrils or the rise and fall of your stomach.

e.       Start with the goal of concentrating on the breath for one minute without losing your attention.  When you’ve achieved that, continuously expand the time, ultimately reaching a point that serves you best.

f.       If you find that you can’t concentrate for even a minute, then you probably need to find a good therapist—one who helps you experience and resolve what’s stopping you from focusing and then takes you through relaxation techniques that are tailored for you, ones you can use outside of therapeutical sessions.

g.      Continuing…as you focus on your breath, don’t let any thoughts or emotions distract you.  Although they may frequently sweep you away, always come back to your breath when you realize what has happened.  Equanimity is key.  The actual fact is this:  as you accustom yourself to focusing on the breath, the thoughts and emotions begin to slow down, giving you more and more space as you practice.

h.      Practice must be consistent; that is, daily if you want results in terms of clarity and the mental space in which you can go about your life with a newfound feeling of increasingly more freedom.

i.        When you become skilled in the above technique, you’ll find that you’ll be able to use it at work or other times when you need the clarity and peace of mind that comes with making space for yourself.  This is when you realize you’re the creator of your own reality.

      
      What I’ve given above is just a common sense approach to creating a level of peace, clarity, and space that serve you.  Granted, these suggestions can be found in numerous articles written by mindfulness teachers, but I think it’s helpful to hear them from common practitioners, like myself and others.  From what I’ve observed, the words and actions of peers on the road to clarity support my practice—similar to that of excellent coworkers. 

      No belief is involved, for this way to a better life is based on pure experience.  Those who doubt, criticize, and never practice, even anything remotely similar, most likely remain stuck where they are.  It’s the daily performance of this work that opens people to the clarity and space one needs to function.  This kind of peace is our true nature, one that equals the very presence in the photo above.

MY PATH OF PEACE

While we often see a number of teachers/authors sharing some or all of their paths of peace and that of others, we don’t often hear of those who are not in their category, so I’d like to share a bit of mine.

      

The present is my path.  My faith is my guide.  My inseparable companions are loving kindness, compassion, and wisdom.  Humbleness and surrender represent not only the basis of my decision to walk the path, but they are my friends and strengths along with confession and forgiveness.  My tools are concentration, intention, and mindfulness.  I’m as attentive as a hungry baby nursing on its mother’s breast; otherwise, I fall from the path.  Morality is my foundation, for without its support I would fail in practice and everyday living—a lesson at which I’ve been a slow but appreciative learner.  This is how I practice.

     

I’ve been walking the path of the present for many years.  Although I’ve fallen off quite a number of times, my faith in its affirmative results and my deepest nature have afforded me the opportunity to return from these relapses.  I’ve experienced the truth that life and spiritual practice never part, that everything is a lesson, especially in its impermanence, and I smile.  May everyone find a practice that lets them realize their deepest nature.

WHEN AND WHERE CORRUPTION BEGINS

Last night, my family and I were sitting around the table with our close friends at a small “posada” (Christmas party) in their home, and the subject of corruption came up in connection with the new energy reform that was just passed by the congress here in Mexico. Monetary exploitation is a hot button issue because it is evident throughout all levels of society, especially so with the politicians and labor unions.  Citizens expect it.  They’re always looking for the “bite” or the “take”.  They see it with the police for a common traffic citation, and they hear about it in the news when a politician gets away with millions, frequently without going to prison.  Although the conversations people have between family members and close friends are frequently charged with remarks about how terrible corruption is, its collateral damage, and ways to stop it with force, it's quite likely that little is mentioned about when and where it begins.

      

Such a discussion, not only in family homes but throughout Mexican society, is seriously needed.  It would help us to recognize that corruption begins in childhood.  Children emulate what they see, what they are taught, and what they are forced to carry out.  For example, Michael Ventura, a social commentator, said it so wisely, “When our children see you owned, then they are not your children anymore, they are the children of what owns you.”  Thus, it follows that if parents are owned by lies and corruption, then their progeny become the children of lies and corruption, like the boy with the weapon in the photo above.

      

However, if parents became even more aware of the roots of such dishonesty, they would have a better chance to institute its prevention at home and to ask societal leaders for help at local schools and religious institutions.  There are quite a number of measures at our disposal.  The first one is unconditional, parental love, such as the tenderness we see between the mother and child while nursing.  Another is kindness or friendliness that is performed without any expectation of something in return.  Also, compassion that is taught and carried out, sometimes quite firmly when it is necessary to stop harmful actions.  And the new mindfulness programs that are just beginning in schools in the U.S., especially where children and adolescents are in danger, bring about marvelous change.  Most of all, these means of preventing harm show our children that the strengths of unconditional love, kindness without expectation, integrity, and faith in our deepest nature, are their security blanket.  They are what they can resource within themselves in difficult and stressful situations.

      

Yes, serious and informed conversations are needed about the roots of corruption.  They help us to see how it begins and what to do about it with children and adolescents.  Even though we’ll find corruption’s origins with parents owned by such dishonesty, we’ll see that it also comes from other sources, i.e. peers at school, ruthless elements of society, and violence on television.  We must recognize that our children deserve an opportunity to live as freely and securely as possible within society, especially one where mothers and fathers use the wisdom of loving kindness and unconditional love as the principal forces for preventing corruption from taking hold.  When this is the case, we see results like the boy happily smiling in the photo above.  As parents, we just have to decide what we want for our children and make it so.

CLEARING THE WAY TO FREEDOM

Americans, in particular, like to speak of freedom; especially, that of the individual.  Of course, others in the world, i.e., citizens in China, Afganistan, or Saudi Arabia, wonder what they’re talking about.  Even Americans look at the question of freedom quizzically, particularly when they are loaded down with responsibilities and bringing in one or more paychecks that don’t equal or exceed the cost of living.  In fact, if we really examine the most important aspect of freedom, we might see that it has much to do with “when.”  This issue lies within our responses to the three questions Joseph Goldstein refers to in his book, One Dharma, which, if we’re wise, we start answering before we’re lying in our deathbeds.

The first question is, “What are you holding onto most?” Does it have to do with your family, your lovers, your memories, your projects at work, or something else?  Usually, we don’t really know what we’re clinging to until we put ourselves in a space where it’s possible to contemplate the issue; otherwise, what we think of offhand may be misleading.  We really need to give this question some time.  Working in this way we discover the hidden issues we latch onto at a subconscious level, and we soon understand how we’ve besieged and imprisoned ourselves throughout a good deal of our lifetime.  Confronting these matters head on via meditation, contemplation, or even talking them through with a trusted confidant allows us the opportunity to view these attachments with equanimity.  The result develops into an ever-flowering state of personal freedom that not only has a beneficial effect on oneself but those closest to us.

The second question is, “What would you have wanted to accomplish in your life?” Does it have to do with family, career, or personal endeavors?  Do you find that you harbor regrets, deep sorrow, jealousy, envy, or much more?  Are hopes and expectations involved?  If so, are they yours or have you disappointed someone? Whatever they are, you need to bring them out into the open or peace may never happen.  Focus, contemplation, meditative perseverance, and other methods can put these issues in the light of equanimity, giving you a chance for a level of freedom you’ve probably never experienced.

The last question is, “What is of most value to you in these dying moments?” Personally, this enquiry is something I keep coming back to time and time again.  The answer continues to be “presence accompanied by feelings of loving kindness and compassion.”  If I were to die in this moment, that’s what I’d want to experience, staying conscious without a trace of fear throughout the entire process.  I wouldn’t want to let any tinge of that emotion throw me into clinging to anything, such as loved ones or objects that would distract me from having a successful and peaceful death.  Finding out what we value most is something we have to experience for ourselves; otherwise, we won’t be sure of what it is and peace may never come, even with our last dying breath.

In conclusion, I’m confident that the answers to these questions are particularly important for leading us into realizing a previously unfound level of personal freedom.  Such an experience comes about through equanimity; meeting our attachments head on and through nonattachment letting them go by simply not holding on, not grasping at them.  We are still aware of their presence, but we view them in an awareness that no longer distracts us.  They simply come up as thoughts, feelings, or images and pass away.  They’re impermanent.  This is the generosity of compassion and loving kindness in action.  It’s surrender.  Much easier said than done, isn’t it?  Possible?  Absolutely!  Of course, the real question remains, “Do we want to wait until our deathbed to deal with these issues, or do we wish to set ourselves free now?”

SURRENDER

Early on in life we find ourselves hanging on to difficult childhood relationships, feelings of guilt and shame as a result of something we’ve done, disappointments in our failure to get the grades for which we’ve strived so hard in school, and so much more.  Letting go of what is harmful to us is something we haven’t often experienced or learned to do.  We’re frequently taught in society to keep on striving rather than to recognize when we need to disconnect before we hurt ourselves mentally and physically.  However, when we truly realize the value of surrender, it’s a practice that becomes a lifelong undertaking.

For example, experience has shown me that it has an amazing range of qualities.  I’ve sensed a presence while surrendering and recognized that it had always been there, as if it were waiting for the moment in which I would wake up and wise up.  Also, going along patiently and without distraction, there is a feeling of deep inner peace quite unlike that I’ve felt, for instance, as a result of a solution to a problem.  There is, in addition, the existence of compassion and loving kindness in this path, for they show themselves quite clearly.  Moreover, there is an awareness of clarity in that if I contemplate something intensely, it reveals its nature.  

The process also involves the intuitive understanding that surrender is a very moral thing to do.  There is a drive to continue letting go, a will to persist in renouncing without regret.  I’ve felt it and given in even more. As Chogyam Trungpa so rightly tells us, giving up hopes and expectations will march us into disappointment. However, their relinquishment has caused me to come out stronger in the long run, for surrendering them was so appropriate.  It was kind of like an alcoholic or drug addict who had finally admitted his or her addiction and had begun to work towards a new and brighter future.

Besides every foregoing experience, this work has also shown me the difficulty in surrendering the obstacles in the path of this practice.  For example, letting go of pride for the things for which I’ve worked so hard to achieve, sometimes quite begrudgingly.  Going hand in hand with these feelings for long time achievements is the surrender of egotism in daily activities.  Another is releasing the aggression I´ve felt towards other living beings, ideas, political positions, and more.  This includes the letting go of apathy. 

As I’ve continued to review my life in search of more to surrender, I’ve found times of self-pity and released them.  Although I’ve not felt jealousy in a long while, if it were to arise, I would let it go as if it were a hot rock.  Recalling the times I’ve felt hate and anger has uncovered the fears lying beneath them.  Looking at the situations in which I’ve felt sloth or laziness has helped me to uncover and let go of the shame hidden there.  Since this process is hard work, there is almost no excitation unless it’s involved in something I’m contemplating.  Finally, I’ve felt no harm in the process of surrender because I’ve released what had the ability to injure.

Surrender, in my case, is a work in progress, one that I’m sure will continue even through the last moments I have on this planet.  It seems there’s an unlimited number of things to let go of, but it gets easier.  Also, I’ve found that as I’ve continued this endeavor, my will to relinquish has become stronger, for it allows me to accept life as it is.  Truly, there is strength in surrender.  In fact, the more I let go, the more present I become.

BENEFITS OF MEDITATION PRACTICE

While we most often hear of meditation practice resulting in reduced pain and mental stress, increased compassion and loving kindness, and other benefits, it’s less frequently mentioned as a way to resolve phobias.  However, that’s my experience with a fear of the dark I’ve had since early childhood.  It’s interesting to note that the more consistently I practice vipassana, the more fearless I find myself in unlit rooms and outside at night.  Now I’m interested to try it as a way of coping with a life-long phobia of looking up at the tops of high buildings and towers during the daylight hours.  Along the way, I've also learned that maintaining equanimity when confronting a phobia head on is without doubt one of the most important factors in its resolution.

DEDICATING SPACE FOR MEDITATION

When we begin to practice meditation, we are often told that it’s important to dedicate an area in our home for that purpose.  The instructions also say it should be quiet and not used for other activities.  At first, the significance of these guidelines may not be readily apparent, but that changes over time, especially with practice.  Transitions in a person’s meditation space may occur in many different ways; however, I can only tell you what has happened in ours.         

It was a little over five years ago, when my wife and I moved into the house you see above, which is located in the countryside near Santa Cruz Tlaxcala, Tlaxcala, Mexico.  We’d built it from the ground up, and after years of renting we were really enthusiastic about finally moving into our own home.  Even though we’d always had a room or a space dedicated for meditation in our rental houses, we knew that we’d be moving on in few years.  This time, however, we’d constructed the meditation room you see on top of our home with the notion that we’d likely use it for that purpose for the rest of our lives.  Quite happily, that’s the way it’s been.

From the day we moved in, we began meditating in that space from one to three hours a day, including some longer periods for short retreats.  Just as in the rental homes, with continued use the space began to pick up the vibrations similar to what we’d experienced in halls used for group meditation.  Being accustomed to those feelings, we enjoyed the sensations of spending time in this dedicated area.  Friends who came to meditate with us voluntarily said they felt a considerable difference there compared to the other rooms in our home.  Then about six weeks ago the environment of the room changed.

At first, I noticed the room had taken on an added presence of being.  It seemed to have become not only a place of meditation but also a place of refuge or sanctuary.  Now, it’s in my thoughts more often than ever before, and I feel an urge to go there more frequently and for longer periods of time.  Sitting periods have also increased as well as the comfort I feel in doing them.  The information presented in the writings and spoken words of well-known teachers make more sense now than ever before.

Several weeks after I’d experienced this transition, I asked my wife if she’d felt anything similar.  She said that she had and that it occurred at about the same time I’d noticed it.  I was happy to hear this confirmation because it meant I wasn’t imagining something that wasn’t there.

Since that time, I’ve done some research on the subject.  Interestingly, I’ve found little that goes much beyond saying that it’s important to reserve such a place in our homes.  However, many years ago, when I was helping with a 10 day vipassana retreat led by one of S.R. Goenka’s teachers, Arthur Nichols, in a large room in a Catholic retreat setting in Tepotzlan, Mexico, I heard him say, after about three days, that it was finally beginning to feel like a meditation space.  Somehow, I’ve never forgotten his observation nor my sense of the change in that environment.

While I’ve used the words refuge and sanctuary to describe our meditation room, I don’t mean to infer that it’s a place gone to out of fear.  Rather, it’s a space in which to take a break from conventional living and contemplate the real source of refuge, just as it states in the Dhammapada 188-192.  Practicing in such a place is as Sarah Fletcher, Quiet Mind Meditation, states, “it is like sitting with an old friend, imbuing our meditation with a special sense of reverence.”  I’ve also found that our space definitely helps to draw my awareness inward and get closer to what’s in my heart.  As time goes on, the area becomes more precious, taking on an ever increasing aura of sacredness.

Like I’ve stated above, I can only tell you what has happened in our meditation room.  We built it a little over five years ago, began using it daily, noticed a shift in its presence about six weeks ago, and now it’s so much more than what it was in the beginning.  What I experience there encourages me to keep on sharing through my blogs.  The feelings of tranquility and refuge I associate with that space accompany me throughout daily life.  I highly recommend that whoever reads this article would set aside a place for meditation or just being quiet.  Or if someone already has an area like this, then to know that continued practice may help it to change into a very precious, even sacred, area of his or her home.